Thanksgiving Eve PARTYHARD Checklist

IMPORTANT: Here’s your Thanksgiving Eve checklist, kids!

1. DESIGNATED DRIVER. Preferably with Defensive Driving skills. Substitute with an Engineer when possible (the kind that drive trains, not the ones who build dispensers. Or design roads.)

2. WINGMAN. Helps you score & might prevent an embarrassing situation or two.

3. RED BULL. Lots of it. For the designated driver, wingman & yourself.

4. PRE-GAME FUEL. Booze of choice. Drink before departure. (NOT FOR THE DD.)

5. AIRPLANE BOTTLES. 1-shotters of your booze of choice. (NOT FOR THE DD.)

6. 20oz BOTTLE OF COKE. To mix an airplane bottle with for the ride. (NOT FOR THE DD.)

7. TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE. Avoid embarrassing drunk texts, photos & videos.

8. PEPTO MAX & VITAMIN B. You’ll want them tomorrow.

9. ZIPLOC BAG. In which to store your dignity before you go out so that it doesn’t get destroyed.

You’re welcome.

BE SAFE. BE SMART. PARTYHARD.

“You get really hostile when you’re confused.”

“You get really hostile when you’re confused.”

We were sitting down to sushi when this line came out.  I can’t remember what had upset me, but I do remember being completely taken aback at the fact that he’d pinpointed my sudden outburst so well where many others had failed to realize it.

Hell, up until that point I’d failed to realize it.

And here I am again, two and some weeks later I find myself in the same situation: someone’s said something that confused me, and I can feel the hairs on my neck bristling.  Yet I have no explanation for the reaction.  Why?  What compels me to put my fist into a wall - or worse, someone’s face - when I don’t understand what’s going on?

It’s not just words that do it.  If I don’t understand someone’s motivation for something I’ll react the same way.  If my boyfriend goes out of his way for someone that isn’t me (and God forbid it’s a woman!), my initial thought isn’t “He’s such a swell guy!” - it’s “What the fuck?!“  My brain isn’t hard-wired to comprehend the fact that sometimes people are just nice - rather, it turns around and goes “Well, they must be getting something out of it so… what is it?”

There in might lay the entire cause of this: a shitty relationship with someone who drilled “Men will only be friends with you because they want to fuck you” into my head.  Little did I know that the reason he said it wasn’t because it was true, but because his own self-esteem was shit and thus he couldn’t bear for me to be friends with any of those evil penis-wielding folk.  (I’m not saying it isn’t true in part, mind you.  But not all men are driven by sex alone.)

Of course, that was the same one who cheated on me and then several years later cheated on me again.  After all that, you’d think that I would managed to have erased any of his “wisdom” from my sub-conscious.

It isn’t only that brain-washing, though; the fact is that part of me can’t stand it when people are needlessly cryptic.  Passive-aggressiveness falls into that category, and is a surefire way to a boot to the mouth (I am the “aggressive” to your “passive”.)  But even when it’s not an aggressive action at all - it can be as simple as someone saying anything with that “I know something you don’t know” smugness.  It might even be the person’s way of trying to be cute.

Doesn’t matter.  It all ends in the same way: I get horrifically angry about it, and then bad things happen.  I rarely get physical.  More often than not it turns me into a snippy, callous, spiteful, bitchy-just-to-be-bitchy bitch.  (Which, apparently, I’m very good at - I’ve brought a few people to tears whom I didn’t think were capable of emotions at all.)

So what is it, exactly?  Do I feel stupid?  Does the fact that I don’t know what they’re talking about somehow make me feel inferior?  Is the sudden rage simply a defense mechanism to prevent me from looking like an idiot?  Or am I channeling the long-ago feelings of desolation and anger brought on by my ex’s philandering ways?

For now, this is one of those questions that’s getting filed in the “I have no fucking clue” bin.  Accepting the fact that you have a problem is always the first step.  As long as I don’t lose my well-crafted control and sucker-punch anyone in the mouth, I can take my time trying to figure it out.